All my life, I’ve been training to be quarantined. Social distancing? Mastered. The only virus I’ll get is the one on my computer after clicking an email from the Prince of Nigeria because I’m so bored and just want to chat.

I’ve been collecting data and gathering resources on mistakes others have made during these trying times. Here are the results of things you should NOT do while quarantined.

[An aside: I’m addicted to saying “these trying times” and every time I say it I think of that scene from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia where Danny DeVito offers an egg to the backseat passenger during these trying times. It always mades me laugh.]

 

1. Do Not Commit Arson to Your Own House So You Can Collect Insurance

Image result for girl smiling behind fire

I’ve been getting this question a lot. In principle, this seems like a nice source of money while you are stuck at home. What people fail to realize is that once your house burns down you won’t have a place to live. And all of your possessions will not survive. And the federal government will likely find out and arrest you.

In actuality, this is a net loss financially. Therefore, you should stay away from self-arson attempts at the moment.

 

2. Do NOT Buy a Family of Baby Monkeys Off the Internet

Image result for ross monkey

Who didn’t love Marcel? That critter got into all sorts of goofy trouble. It sounds like a grand old time to get a bunch of Marcel’s while you can’t see your friends.

However, according to the CDC, fecal matter via monkey is unsanitary and has the possibility of containing many viruses, possibly the hottest virus around town these days. I don’t have the data to support their hypothesis, so I will take their word for it.

Therefore, monkeys are out of the question. Not worth the poop if you ask me.

 

3. Do NOT Yell “M-M-M-MY CORONA!” in a Public Place And Then Sneeze Very Loudly

Granted, it is a very funny joke. You’ll get all of your friends to laugh. But everyone else will start to throw tomatoes that they have on hand for some reason. [An aside: Why did people in the old days throw tomatoes when they were displeased by something? Do they just carry around tomatoes in case they want to express their dissatisfaction in the form of a vegetable?]

Also you shouldn’t be in a public place. That was a test and you have failed. Now go back home.

 

4. Do NOT Lick Toilet Seats

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but this is the only one that is actually kind of real. People are idiots.

 

5. Do NOT Hit Golf Balls Off an Airplane Wing Into Downtown Manhattan Like Will Smith Did in I Am Legend

Image result for i am legend golf plane

Unfortunately in this apocalyptic scenario, there are still other people alive. So you’re very likely to hit someone or break a window to an apartment building. Stick to hitting golf balls on a driving range, preferably with at least 8-10 feet separation from the other golfers.

You can bring your dog if you want. The main issue with this scenario was the airplane and downtown city areas, not the dog.

 

Well there you have it: things NOT to do while quarantined. I hope you all are a little more informed in these trying times.

 

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Matt Tierney