All sports have been cancelled. Large gatherings are banned. What do you do?

Turns out there are a ton of “things to do when bored” lists online, and they are all ridiculous ideas. But I decided to make them better. I expect everyone to do all of these by the time basketball resumes.

1. Color

Paper, walls, antique furniture, the world is your canvas!

2. Go for a walk

In your house. Not outside. Outside is for losers.

3. Clean your room

What am I, your mom? Nah go crazy dude.

4. Clean your sister’s room

What am I, your mom? Nah, go TP it.

5. Do your homework

NOT. You were about to do it, weren’t you? Freakin nerd.

6. Play a board game

Step 1: Find a board. Step 2: invent a game with said board. Perhaps a “walk the plank” type deal.

7. Read a book

Get out of here nerd.

9. Reminisce through old pictures

They don’t even need to be pictures of relatives or friends, just look through some random dude’s album and laugh about how there wasn’t colorized television.

10. Watch Netflix

Chill optional. I heard Contagious is a must-watch.

11. FaceTime your friend

Just kidding, who has friends?

12. Build a fort

Notify a contractor of your plans. Develop a blueprint. Order a cement truck. Forts are to be taken seriously.

13. Play with your dog

Give many boops, but remember to wash your hands post-boop. A post-boop hand wash is a top 3 hand wash.

14. If you don’t have a dog, use your imagination

Use your couch cushion. Pet it like a dog and see what your friends say. Alternatively go adopt a dog, you coward.

15. Take a nap

Pop out the old fashioned Nyquil kit and go to town, baby.

16. Find a DIY project

Found. Now don’t do it.

17. Watch basketball

Ah wait nvm

18. Build a puzzle

In order to make the pieces you need several different puzzle cutout tools, which you probably don’t have. Instead, just work on a puzzle already constructed.

19. Play outside

Outside is for nerds. Nerd.

20. Draw a picture

Recreate the scene from Titanic where she’s like “paint me like one of your French girls” except the girl is your dog and the canvas is a tennis ball and you actually just throw it to him and play fetch.

21. Clean the bathroom (my mom used to tell me to do this when I told her I was bored)

Then how will you know where to find that pair of gym shorts buried under the rest of your dirty clothes? Don’t do this, you’ll ruin your whole system.

22. Paint your nails

GUYS ONLY. Girls, if I see a single paint on a nail I’m gonna lose it.

23. Organize your closet

Start by finding a closet. If it’s empty, you’re golden. If it’s not, take everything out. Now you’re golden.

24. Learn something new

Did you know that reading books is for nerds? Check. Done.

25. Learn how to do origami

DO MO MODIGOTO MR ROBOTO. That’s what I think of whenever I hear that word.

26. Listen to music

Always passes the vibe check. Make sure the music is something that was released seconds ago so you can ask your friends “hey have you heard this new song?” and alpha them when they haven’t heard it

27. Complete a word search

Many words are kidnapped and abducted every day. It is your duty to find them and return them to safety

28. Make a “to-do” list

The only thing on it should be “watch sports”

29. Play Wii

Just loop the Wii music for 10 hours. Same thing.

30. Or some other gaming console

My personal favorite is the Xbox. Not Xbox One. Just Xbox.

31. Annoy your siblings

If you don’t have siblings, find a stranger (that does not have coronavirus) and annoy them instead

32. If you’re an only child, annoy your parents

Disregard, see #31

33. Sing a song

Doesn’t have to be a published one, just scream random syllables at various pitches and eventually you’ll get there. Be sure to do this in a public setting

34. Take a shower

Clean yourself you dirty animal.

35. Eat

Skip. Only weenies eat.

36. Play sudoku

Make sure you can count to 9 before you begin.

37. Make a bucket list

Pail, milk bucket, mop bucket, regular bucket, etc.

38. Call a grandparent

Should probably actually do this one. These are trying times.

39. Go to the gym

Don’t go to the gym.

40. Write a poem

Roses are red, violets are blue, everyone is freaking out, we are all in a tremendous amount of trouble

41. Go to the pet store

ADOPT YOUR PETS YOU FOOLS

42. Make a list of places you want to travel

As long as it’s nowhere in Europe or Asia, and probably Australia and South America and Antartica and Africa. And no where outside your current state. Actually just stay inside.

43. Watch music videos

You got the singing part down earlier, now just record yourself doing that and post on all social media platforms.

44. Write a letter to yourself to open in 10 years

Dear me, Remember that one time everything stopped because of Coronavirus? Crazy stuff, man. Signed, me.

45. Take another nap

Double nap days are good days.

46. Play Candy Crush

Are you an 75-year-old woman trying to kill time before her grandkids visit? If no, please skip.

47. Write your own song

Roses are red, violets are blue, i’m reusing this one, because I’m running low on ideas

48. Buy some helium balloons

Better yet, just take all the helium you can find. Once we run out, you’ll have a monopoly on the helium market.

49. Poke holes in the balloons and suck in the helium and then call people

No, save the helium!

50. Do a craft

Craft a strongly worded letter to Adam Silver telling him to let us watch basketball again.

51. Watch the clouds

While singing your original song. Do not stop looking at the clouds while singing loudly, even if people start to stare. It just means they’re jealous.

52. Eat some more food

Wow, eat much? Jeez

53. Make a photo album

Go to your local supermarket. Bring a disposable camera. Turn the flash on. Wait by the produce section. Take a few photos of strangers who do not want their photo taken. Send the pictures to your local CVS and you’re all set!

54. See what the highest number you can count to

Mine is 9, what is yours?

55. Go to the park

An imaginary park. Don’t actually go to a park.

56. People watch at the park

By people I mean you’re dog. Watch your dog. At home. In your imaginary park.

57. Make up imaginary stories about people

One time my friend stole $5,000 dollars from a bank and he lives on 514 Hickory Lane. Thank you, officer.

58. Do a crossword puzzle

Right some words and cross them up like Jamal Crawford. Then do a puzzle that you did not construct yourself.

59. Learn an instrument

My recommendation is the nuclear magnetic resonance spectrometer. That instrument can give very precise details about the chemical structure of a compound.

60. Talk in an accent

Be sure to do it in front of someone from that area of the world. I’m sure they won’t find it offensive in the slightest.

61. Play iSpy

This requires access to the Pentagon. If you have it, great, if not it will take about 10-15 years for the proper training.

62. Hang out with your friends

Imaginary friends of course. In your imaginary park.

63. Try to lick your elbow

This will kill about 5-7 minutes of your time.

64. Make breakfast for dinner

Get crazy!! Breakfast for dinner! Lunch for dessert! Beer in your cereal bowl!

65. Sit by the fireplace

Perfect activity as we head into the summer.

66. Hang out with your family

Gross. Don’t do that. Hang out with your imaginary friends instead.

67. Tell funny stories from when everyone was little

Who is everyone? Are you seeing people? Why were they little?

68. Have a movie marathon all day

Too much running. Just watch a crap ton of movies all day.

69. Do some online shopping

Might I suggest this particular site: https://www.bonfire.com/store/topic-thunder/

 

And there you have it. 69 very obvious things to do if you can’t watch sports, but with a twist. More lists will be developed soon.

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Matt Tierney